Friday, December 19, 2008

Biggie's Unsolicited Advice: Peeing and Pupparazzi

Well, there were so many issues embedded in the last few comments that I thought I'd try my hand at unsolicited advice, since people are so good at giving it to me. But first, a haikuvasz:

Snow falling, lovely.
Romping in slush, so cooling.
Mud, hair, everywhere

(shakes curls)

Ok, where were we... oh yes, Victor and PeterPan and their marking and "space" issues:

Victor: Can you please explain to me why people freak out when I try to pee on their dogs while they are peeing? Don't they realize I'm just trying to mark the same spot? And why don't the little dogs move out of the way when they see me coming?

PeterPan: Honestly. This happened to me once and I had to teach him a major lesson. PLEASE talk some sense into him. And while you're at it, could you also explain why my people don't seem to like it when I lay on their faces? They start sputtering and choking and they completely ruin my comfortable position - is there something I'm missing here? Are people really that uncomfortable with lying in a big pack heap to keep warm?

Really, I think marking your family and friends is a wonderful gesture of love and possessiveness, especially during this holiday season. Why, just the other day I tried marking Cooper's dad when we were all walking together. And who needs indoor grass when there's a whole TREE inside to mark?

To the small dogs out there, just think of it as a light rain with scent. A spritzer of eau de toilet, if you will.

As for the lying on people, PP, that's just a sign of unhealthy possessiveness and trying to get just inappropriately close to your humans. You are a dog, not a person. Go eat some beans and sit on Victor's face instead.

I know we have encountered many of the same things. Just because they are big fluffy dogs, does not mean that you can run up to them and try to hug them. I have had people try to pat T-Bone through the car window, even with him growling at them. Some people are just not smart.

...Mommy always like when people ask 1st but nowadays, she doesn't even bother asking. Anybody who wants to touch us, are free to do so. But what Mommy hates most is when people stare at us from the outside of our car & tapping on the windows & all. It's like they have no manners. I know we're the most gorgeous dogs in the whole wide world but I don't like people staring at us from outside our mobile. Eek!
--Amber-Mae and family

It amazes us how many people think they can just walk up to strange doggies and reach out with those hands and try to touch us. And the staring! Don't they know that is not only rude, but a threat?
--Dannan and the Girl

T-Bone, grasshoper. The problem is that you are not escalating enough. If they don't back away from the growling, then an all-out, full-Cujo assault is necessary. I'm talking full-on, throw your body at the window, snarling assault. That'll show 'em! (Extra points if you make the car rock back and forth, and the people jump away.)

If you can work up some good foaming at the mouth (Bitter Apple does wonders) and act a little rabid, that's good too. Just make sure to hide your rabies vaccination tags. 

Oh yeah, and if people come up to you on the street, the best defense is a good offense, I say. Lunge at them first, snapping and snarling. Extra points if you pull your person off their feet or dislocate their shoulder. 

Amber-Mae and Chloe, you girls need to be more fierce. You could try bleaching your fur and pretending to be a mean kuvasz. Or, make a game out of it. See how close you can bite the air next to their hands. 
What, Momma? No, I'm just answering some fan mail on the 'pooter...

Argh. Ok, Momma says those ideas aren't so good because they involve something like Liar Bill 'n Tea.  (Sounds like Momma's job.) We are supposed to try nonviolent means. So here's some more ideas you can try that don't involve biting:

Roll around in garbage or go chase a skunk. No one will want to pet you then. This is really good for clearing a WIDE path so you can walk unimpeded on a busy sidewalk. Problem is, your own humans won't want to cuddle with you much either, and it could lead to the dreaded B-A-T-H. 

Teach your humans to lie. Tell them to answer YES! when they ask if you bite, and NO! when they ask if you're friendly. And whatever you do, ABSOLUTELY NO snickering or smiling or sitting or looking pretty when they are having this conversation! Wear a Gentle Leader and pretend it's a muzzle. Try to act a little crazy, like make your eyes roll in different directions or pretend to chase an invisible bird. Pretend to be a combination of Lindsay on a Saturday night, Britney when she shaved her head, and Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch. Then people will feel really sorry for your humans.

Cultivate some really good SBDs or diaries. Eat really smelly stuff and save your gas (or runny poops) until right when someone wants to pet you. Then, let 'em rip! Nothing clears a room faster than a big stinky pile of poo or a Silent But Deadly dog fart. Major caution: This maneuver can only be done outdoors!! DO NOT DO THIS IN A MOVING VEHICLE IN THE WINTER.

Let me know if this advice was helpful!


with love, Madison said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHA Biggie. We love your attitude. Madison is so ashamed of H-Mom. The other day when we were walking, some pretty smelly drunk-kind-of WTF was passing us on the stairs of the drawbridge. He asked H-Mom "Does she bite?" AND H-MOM SAID "YES, DON'T COME CLOSE." Now all Madison wanted to do was kissy kissy licky licky, but H-Mom was not about to let her kissy kissy licky licky a stinky WTF. How unsocially aware is that?

Peanut said...

hahahaha oh man that was great. Thanks for the advice Biggie.

Kess And Her Mama said...

Woohoo...Radical measures for radical times! As a girl dog, I don't pee on others. But dad got peed on once by a male beagle dog. He (my dad, that is) was not amused!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Biggie!

Enjoy your walks this week. I remember when I took my dog out in weather like this. After 45 minutes he looked at me when I called it quits: "Whadya mean we're done?".

Currently Dogless.

Amber-Mae said...

Oh my gosh! This post is hilarious!!! Thanks so much for the advice. I might try the snapping part but not sure if my hoomans would like to see us like that. We are softies, that's the problem.

Butt wiggles,
Solid Gold Dancer

Lindsay said...

Biggie, you should have your own advice column. I like your idea of acting fierce when annoying people try to pet you, especially the part about rocking the car back and forth.

I get annoyed when I'm walking my friend's dane because everyone has to pet a great dane. I mean everyone. I actually used the "She bites" line one time because I was just so sick of dealing with people. Trust me, at least when you're walking a big dog with a Gentle Leader, it works.

"...Oh, is that why she's wearing that THING on her mouth?"

Mango said...

Biggie! Great advise. Momma was getting her car gassed up and the attendent (yes, they still have those) just stuck his hand in the window without asking. I went AR AR AR. And the attendent said, "oh but his tail is wagging." and momma said "which end do you want to listen to?"

Plus, I do great Cujo slobbers when I AR AR.