Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Biggie's Etiquette Column, Issue 1


Dear Random People I Met on My Walk Home From Day Care Last Night:


Momma has been all over me about good manners when I am out greeting my public. Well, it's about time I set some ground rules about how my public meets me.

First of all, it's not polite to stare. I know, I am supremely fluffycurly and gorgeous and it's hard not to stare, but if you stare and I can't see your hands, or you're carrying something or running toward me, or all of the above, I am going to stand my ground and make YOU move.

Also Very Important: NO TOUCHING THE BIGGIE unless Momma says so! I know I am irresistible and at the perfect height for petting and everyone just wants to touch the fur, but it's not polite to touch without asking. Seriously, how would you like it if some random stranger grabbed YOUR butt on the subway? Will you be offended if I grab your butt back?

If you want to pet me, just ask Momma first. But don't startle her or jump out at her because then I will have to Lock and Load for Protection. Keep your hands where I can see 'em, especially if they have treats. Momma always has treats with her, so she will give you one to give me. And I'll even work for them. But not if you scare her.

(P.S. Shouting from across the street, "LOOK AT THAT POLAR BEAR!!!" and making barking and howling noises and then following us down the street, continuing to bark and howl, does not constitute proper "asking." You are ridiculous and drunk and I will not acknowledge your presence. Similarly, reaching out with your hand as you are running toward me and screeching in a high pitch, "OOOOO WOOK AT DA COOOOTIEE ADORABLE PUPPYDOG WOO WOO ARE SO KEY-OOOOOT!!!" is ridiculous. Only Momma talks to me like that and only when there is no one else around to hear.)

Corollary: If Momma says NO you cannot pet me, LISTEN TO HER! She knows best, and even if I'm giving you my dazzling kuvasz smile, I may be smiling because I'm thinking about how high I can make you jump if I snap at you.

And if you have a dog, WATCH 'em. Don't just stare at me. If your dog is giving off mean signals and they're running the entire length of their Flexi-lead, I might have to take matters into my own paws (and mouth) and remind 'em of their manners.

Thank you, and let me know if you have other etiquette issues you would like me to address.

14 comments:

Victor and PeterPan said...

Victor: Can you please explain to me why people freak out when I try to pee on their dogs while they are peeing? Don't they realize I'm just trying to mark the same spot? And why don't the little dogs move out of the way when they see me coming?

PeterPan: Honestly. This happened to me once and I had to teach him a major lesson. PLEASE talk some sense into him. And while you're at it, could you also explain why my people don't seem to like it when I lay on their faces? They start sputtering and choking and they completely ruin my comfortable position - is there something I'm missing here? Are people really that uncomfortable with lying in a big pack heap to keep warm?

Mango said...

Biggie -
I really like your new header. You look so royal!

I can totally dig your rules for humans. I especially hate when they are in their cars or across the street and they yell, "hey, put a saddle on that thing." Maybe you should add a rule that when mom says its ok to pat you, it means pat you and not put your stupid face up against mine making smoochie sounds (that is for momma only).

Slobbers,
Mango

P.S. Momma composed a "so you want a mastiff" bloggie in her head today just like yours! Maybe she will post it soon (if I let her at the pooter).

jan said...

Good rules. If only the people who need to follow them would read them. I helped train guide dogs a few years ago and you would not believe the stupid humans we encountered.

Yeah, you would.

Wimsey said...

Oh yes! Here on the UWS we run into LOTS of drunken people on our last walk who are always being stupid. I ignore them, Maria just rolls her eyes - a lot! And when she says "you may pet him, but he drools" they shouldn't be surprised, upset and angry when I drool on them. Stoopid humans!

Wimsey

Peanut said...

Flexi leads should be outlawed. To many people think they can let their dogs do whatever while on them.

T-Bone said...

I know we have encountered many of the same things. Just because they are big fluffy dogs, does not mean that you can run up to them and try to hug them. I have had people try to pat T-Bone through the car window, even with him growling at them. Some people are just not smart.

Samantha: said...

Biggie! I just found your blog - gotta hand it to you - that CGC thing's a little weird - I had to go with Mom and get it last year. Lucky I passed, cause I wouldn't want to do that again! Yay - free! Love your column and I'll be thinking of ??? the next time I stop by! Licks, Samantha

Amber-Mae said...

Oh Biggie, you're the MAN oh, I mean Dog. Hee! Mommy always like when people ask 1st but nowadays, she doesn't even bother asking. Anybody who wants to touch us, are free to do so. But what Mommy hates most is when people stare at us from the outside of our car & tapping on the windows & all. It's like they, have no manners. I know we're the most gorgeous dogs in the whole wide world but I don't like people starring at us from outside our mobile. Eek!

Butt wiggles,
Solid Gold Dancer

Lindsay said...

I laughed when you said, "NO TOUCHING THE BIGGIE!" Haha!

Really though, it sounds like you have a lot of problems with this. Must be because you have a unique dog, and he's so fluffy.

People don't really care about lab mixes.

Saint Lover said...

Couldnt have said it better myself. People, well what can i say about them! People NEED to learn to ask!

Dannan and The Girl said...

Biggie, we need to broadcast this column far and wide! It amazes us how many people think they can just walk up to strange doggies and reach out with those hands and try to touch us. And the staring! Don't they know that is not only rude, but a threat?

The Girl is tired of giving lessons on how to meet a strange doggy to every person we meet. We're sure your Mom is really tired of that, too.

There are plenty of doggies out there that would put up with this behaviour by strangers, but the thing is that THEY CAN'T TELL which ones are NOT going to let it happen. And again, the dogs are behaving properly and appropriately. So many WTFs, too many run-ins!

Brown dog kisses,
Dannan and The Girl

the 4 Bs said...

hi Biggie, those are excellent etiquette reminders. we think humans need to be reminded of their manners.

woofs.

Petey said...

Hi Biggie!

Boy, I bet you'd be hard to spot today in the snow!

Your rules are great. I'm always surprised how quick people are to approach a dog they don't know and when he's on a lead. I love little kids and I'm very gentle with them, but even so, Mommy was SHOCKED when a woman once told her toddler to KISS ME goodbye! Poor thing was in diapers, trying to manuever how to get down to my level, etc.

And when people are surprised when I jump and bark when they're running right at me? I may not be as big as you, but I still have a Mom to protect!

Your pal,

Petey

Anonymous said...

Etiquette is important.

My son often gets anxious about dogs approaching him. I taught him to stand still (running can trigger dogs to give chase) and say "SIT!" as loud as he can. Most dogs know that command.

Of course, both kids know they have to ask both me and the dog's handler if they can pet a strange dog. Just because their dog is so mellow he'll let a toddler poach kibble from his bowl doesn't mean every pooch is that tolerant.