Haikuvasz

Coming home from Camp
Lots of fun after all, but
I miss my Momma

Bah, HUMBUG!

So.
A few days ago Momma and P-Daddy were doing all this packing and usually when they do all that packing it means we are going to Brr Mont. And then they put my seat belt on and we got in the car and it was very exciting because it turns out we were not going to Brr Mont but instead we went to CAMP! And so I thought this was the best Christmas present in the world because much as I love going to camp, camp would be a million, zillion, gazillion, BAJILLION times better if we were all going to camp together! So for the last hour to camp I couldn't stop whimpering in excitement. We got out of the car and I was all, like, Momma, this is where we'll sleep!! and this is the dog run where we'll play!! and look at all my friends I can't wait for you to meet them!! and this is where I slept last time!!! And Momma and P-Daddy walked around in the big dog run and Momma even came in my little private run with me when I showed her how you can get there from inside and outside AND THEN THEY LEFT ME THERE.

I was ABANDONED.

And while there were having picnics on the beach in Male a Boo and getting dive bombed by seagulls...



...I was sitting in the snow freezing my butt off. Momma, if you'd taken me with you I would have protected you from the dive bombers.


But NO, they had to go hang out with Auntie Pita and Santa Claus' sister Monica instead. Look how much fun they are having:



And reminder, here I am. Remember ME, Momma?


So Merry Christmas to everyone else, but not to people who ABANDON their pups at very important times like Christmas! I don't care if that airline crate that is a little too small for me and won't even fit in your wagon. Humans are supposed to be really good at problem solving, I'm sure they could solve THIS problem if they really cared.

Bah, humbug!

Biggie's Unsolicited Advice: Peeing and Pupparazzi

Well, there were so many issues embedded in the last few comments that I thought I'd try my hand at unsolicited advice, since people are so good at giving it to me. But first, a haikuvasz:

Snow falling, lovely.

Romping in slush, so cooling.

Mud, hair, everywhere

(shakes curls)

Ok, where were we... oh yes, Victor and PeterPan and their marking and "space" issues:

Victor: Can you please explain to me why people freak out when I try to pee on their dogs while they are peeing? Don't they realize I'm just trying to mark the same spot? And why don't the little dogs move out of the way when they see me coming?

PeterPan: Honestly. This happened to me once and I had to teach him a major lesson. PLEASE talk some sense into him. And while you're at it, could you also explain why my people don't seem to like it when I lay on their faces? They start sputtering and choking and they completely ruin my comfortable position - is there something I'm missing here? Are people really that uncomfortable with lying in a big pack heap to keep warm?

Really, I think marking your family and friends is a wonderful gesture of love and possessiveness, especially during this holiday season. Why, just the other day I tried marking Cooper's dad when we were all walking together. And who needs indoor grass when there's a whole TREE inside to mark?

To the small dogs out there, just think of it as a light rain with scent. A spritzer of eau de toilet, if you will.

As for the lying on people, PP, that's just a sign of unhealthy possessiveness and trying to get just inappropriately close to your humans. You are a dog, not a person. Go eat some beans and sit on Victor's face instead.

I know we have encountered many of the same things. Just because they are big fluffy dogs, does not mean that you can run up to them and try to hug them. I have had people try to pat T-Bone through the car window, even with him growling at them. Some people are just not smart.

--T-Bone

...Mommy always like when people ask 1st but nowadays, she doesn't even bother asking. Anybody who wants to touch us, are free to do so. But what Mommy hates most is when people stare at us from the outside of our car & tapping on the windows & all. It's like they have no manners. I know we're the most gorgeous dogs in the whole wide world but I don't like people staring at us from outside our mobile. Eek!

--Amber-Mae and family

It amazes us how many people think they can just walk up to strange doggies and reach out with those hands and try to touch us. And the staring! Don't they know that is not only rude, but a threat?
--Dannan and the Girl

T-Bone, grasshoper. The problem is that you are not escalating enough. If they don't back away from the growling, then an all-out, full-Cujo assault is necessary. I'm talking full-on, throw your body at the window, snarling assault. That'll show 'em! (Extra points if you make the car rock back and forth, and the people jump away.)

If you can work up some good foaming at the mouth (Bitter Apple does wonders) and act a little rabid, that's good too. Just make sure to hide your rabies vaccination tags. 

Oh yeah, and if people come up to you on the street, the best defense is a good offense, I say. Lunge at them first, snapping and snarling. Extra points if you pull your person off their feet or dislocate their shoulder. 

Amber-Mae and Chloe, you girls need to be more fierce. You could try bleaching your fur and pretending to be a mean kuvasz. Or, make a game out of it. See how close you can bite the air next to their hands. 

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What, Momma? No, I'm just answering some fan mail on the 'pooter...

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Argh. Ok, Momma says those ideas aren't so good because they involve something like Liar Bill 'n Tea.  (Sounds like Momma's job.) We are supposed to try nonviolent means. So here's some more ideas you can try that don't involve biting:

Roll around in garbage or go chase a skunk. No one will want to pet you then. This is really good for clearing a WIDE path so you can walk unimpeded on a busy sidewalk. Problem is, your own humans won't want to cuddle with you much either, and it could lead to the dreaded B-A-T-H. 

Teach your humans to lie. Tell them to answer YES! when they ask if you bite, and NO! when they ask if you're friendly. And whatever you do, ABSOLUTELY NO snickering or smiling or sitting or looking pretty when they are having this conversation! Wear a Gentle Leader and pretend it's a muzzle. Try to act a little crazy, like make your eyes roll in different directions or pretend to chase an invisible bird. Pretend to be a combination of Lindsay on a Saturday night, Britney when she shaved her head, and Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch. Then people will feel really sorry for your humans.

Cultivate some really good SBDs or diaries. Eat really smelly stuff and save your gas (or runny poops) until right when someone wants to pet you. Then, let 'em rip! Nothing clears a room faster than a big stinky pile of poo or a Silent But Deadly dog fart. Major caution: This maneuver can only be done outdoors!! DO NOT DO THIS IN A MOVING VEHICLE IN THE WINTER.

Let me know if this advice was helpful!

**I'm FAMOUS! Well, almost famous...**

My little buddy Rowdy is the FAMOUS one. He eats better than I do because his dad does a whole lifestyle and wellness show and books that mainly focuses on gluten-free food and celiac disease for people. He makes it all look so delicious and he does talk about healthy eating for doggies too. So he might even talk about me and the Wonder Ingredient that I get in my food every day to keep me looking and feeling tip top. Can you guess what it is? You'll have to listen to Uncle Frank tomorrow to find out.

That's TOMORROW, FRIDAY DEC. 19 at 1:30 PM, LIVE on SIRIUS/XM RADIO!

Biggie's Etiquette Column, Issue 1

Dear Random People I Met on My Walk Home From Day Care Last Night:

Momma has been all over me about good manners when I am out greeting my public. Well, it's about time I set some ground rules about how my public meets me.

First of all, it's not polite to stare. I know, I am supremely fluffycurly and gorgeous and it's hard not to stare, but if you stare and I can't see your hands, or you're carrying something or running toward me, or all of the above, I am going to stand my ground and make YOU move.

Also Very Important: NO TOUCHING THE BIGGIE unless Momma says so! I know I am irresistible and at the perfect height for petting and everyone just wants to touch the fur, but it's not polite to touch without asking. Seriously, how would you like it if some random stranger grabbed YOUR butt on the subway? Will you be offended if I grab your butt back?

If you want to pet me, just ask Momma first. But don't startle her or jump out at her because then I will have to Lock and Load for Protection. Keep your hands where I can see 'em, especially if they have treats. Momma always has treats with her, so she will give you one to give me. And I'll even work for them. But not if you scare her.

(P.S. Shouting from across the street, "LOOK AT THAT POLAR BEAR!!!" and making barking and howling noises and then following us down the street, continuing to bark and howl, does not constitute proper "asking." You are ridiculous and drunk and I will not acknowledge your presence. Similarly, reaching out with your hand as you are running toward me and screeching in a high pitch, "OOOOO WOOK AT DA COOOOTIEE ADORABLE PUPPYDOG WOO WOO ARE SO KEY-OOOOOT!!!" is ridiculous. Only Momma talks to me like that and only when there is no one else around to hear.)

Corollary: If Momma says NO you cannot pet me, LISTEN TO HER! She knows best, and even if I'm giving you my dazzling kuvasz smile, I may be smiling because I'm thinking about how high I can make you jump if I snap at you.

And if you have a dog, WATCH 'em. Don't just stare at me. If your dog is giving off mean signals and they're running the entire length of their Flexi-lead, I might have to take matters into my own paws (and mouth) and remind 'em of their manners.

Thank you, and let me know if you have other etiquette issues you would like me to address.

Prom King Opens Manchester Dog Park, Part 2

Biggie's Momma here. We pretty much had a great time at the new run, which is about 4 times the size of Biggie's runs in the city. And with poop bag dispensers! And big wastebaskets! And soon benches and running water! And grass!

They even had a sweet ribbon cutting ceremony and a blessing (see above). It was supposed to be a solemn occasion, one for reflecting on dogs less fortunate than ours, etc., etc. Except - we had THIS going on in the background through the entire blessing:

And without Biggie to censor his pictures and edit the posts, I extracted a frame from the video that shows Biggie in a more goofy and less-regal light as he tries to get the dogs to play with him. Prom King, indeed - Court Jester is more like it. His body language is pretty easy to read. 

Prom King Opens Manchester Dog Park, Part I

Hi everyone. I hope you all had as good a weekend as I did, but I'm pretty sure you didn't. Cuz not everyone can be a Prom King like me. Yesterday I did a little jailbreak in Brrr Mont and went to visit my yellow lab girlfriend, Charlie, and her Boy. Then today, oh, the GLORY! First, it started snowing, and then I went to the Grand Opening of the Manchester Dog Park. It is actually big enough for me to get some real speed, and best of all, I found some new girlfriends. Here you see the 3 of us, Ella the Great Dane, and a Golden Girl whose name I forgot. As you can see, they can't get enough of me as I patrol the boundaries and tell everydog who's here. 


Ella is the first girl who is actually bigger than me; she weighs in around 125 pounds. And she's a few months older. So I had to get her interested and impressed by my stick dancing skillz:


Once I had her properly interested, she stayed close by my Prom King Handsomeness. Who wouldn't want to be right next to me anyway?


I was especially enamored of her one ear turned inside out from all our wrestling. As you can see, I like to keep her all to myself. She's mine!



Oh yeah, there were other dogs and people there too. Lots of big dogs, though none quite as big and majestic as Ella and me. A few Golden Girls, a whole lotta Labs and Lab mixes, and a few humans with treats were also there to pay tribute to me. Oh yeah, and pictures with Santa. If Momma can figure out how to get them she will post them some day. 

If you want more pictures of glorious ME, don't forget to get your 2009 Kuvasz Calendar. The money goes to kuvasz rescue which is a worthy cause.

PeePee Ess: Mango, maybe we could meet here and play when you go to camp next summer?!

Cyber Monday: Buy ME, Mr. January and Mr. December 2009!

Still stumped for a holiday present?

Here's a special gift idea for all my adoring fans - you know who you are - all you ladies, gents and dogs who love my roguish smile, my giant soft floofness, my gentleness with the wee ones and my ferocious guarding side....

It's the 2009 KUVASZ CALENDAR, benefiting kuvasz rescue through Kuvasz Fanciers of America. The link takes you to a preview of the calendar and a way to buy online. You can see all my amazing pictures, but of course, you need to buy the calendar in order to get me in all my full-size, hi-res glory!

It's my modeling debut AND Cyber Monday. What better time and way to spend lots of $$$$ online, save our economy, AND get a year's worth of kuvasz beefcake to ogle? (Ok, it's only 2 months' worth of Biggie, but the other pictures are pretty darn cute too.)